In light of yesterday’s International Women’s Day and all the cheesy “jokes” and “compliments” we had to endure because of it, allow me to explain to all of you jokesters and well-meaning, yet oblivious folks out there how and why there are more ways than one to be a woman.
We all know what impossible standards women are commonly held to. We should be independent, but not too much because nobody likes a bossy woman (notice how ‘bossy’ is never used to describe a guy?). We should be pretty and take good care of our appearances, but not too much because that makes us shallow and fake. Ugh. There are dozens of examples like this. From a young age we’re told how to behave and what a girl should be like. And as soon as we deviate from that norm we become “unladylike” or “one of the boys”.
*Disclaimer* Before I receive any complaints from men who also have it “so hard”. Yes, I’m sure you deal with bullshit, too. Let’s not try to overshadow very real things that women are dealing with right now, mmkay? You’ll get your moment.
Recent example from my life? I was discussing videogames with a friend. A guy I didn’t even know intervened and shouted “I didn’t know they made My Little Pony games for PlayStation! What the hell would you even play?” I reiterate: Ugh.
Another example: I told you guys I coach a basketball team, right? The most common response I get is: “Really? A guys team? Do they even listen to you?” Because apparently it’s unusual to listen to a woman, even if she’s more knowledgeable about a subject than you are. Ugh.
Last example: in a previous relationship of mine, the guy I was with had a tendency to subtly, yet authoritatively tell me what he expected me to look like, act like, be like. I tried to oblige. I was young and in love. But it made me really, really, really insecure. I don’t think he ever realized that.
Here’s the real kicker. Most of these standards and norms and stereotypes are upheld not by men, but by other women. Let me give you an example. A friend of mine has a well-meaning grandma, as we all know and love, who told her, among other things, that “women should cook, clean, mend clothes, be subordinate and bear children. You don’t need to go to university for that.” Okay, nana…
But I’ll betcha that you’ve said some pretty harmful things about women too, without even realizing it. Have you ever told somebody (probably a guy) that you’re “not like other women”? Or has a guy said this to you? OK, that’s not a compliment. What you’re implicitly saying when you say this is that women are inherently unlikable, or not to be paid attention to, or basically less than a man.
Another phrase I take issue with is the term “strong woman”. While definitely meant as a compliment, it’s not. It’s again implying that women are inherently weak. Everybody goes through some level of nonsense in their lives and learns to deal with it.
So these are some examples of small little things and sayings that are damaging without you even knowing it. Use this newfound wisdom for good.
*Another disclaimer* These are very general issues that most women deal with. Of course there are a lot of variations on all of this based on your race, size, sexual orientation, socio-economic background, religion. Honestly I could write about this stuff for days, and it was a struggle to narrow it down to the above. Maybe in a future blogpost 🙂