Some time ago we got into the discussion of how to know when you’re settling for or settling with something/someone. Now, some of you are in complete denial about every important aspect in your lives and use this as an excuse to never ever compromise on anything. I’m here to explain to you why compromise is not the same thing as settling.
It sounds simple enough, right? But think about it. Do you really know the difference? I heard a quote once: You compromise on your wants, but you settle on your needs. And that’s pretty much it. So why do people confuse the two? Well, they have some similarities.
For one, both compromise and settling essentially mean that you’re getting less than you thought you were gonna get or hoped you were gonna get. Plus they both entail something that’s gonna have consequences, so it’s likely that there’s some kind of commitment involved.
The differences however, tell you all you need to know. In a compromise, something is agreed to by both (or more) parties. When settling, one person does the settling. You don’t sit down and go “OK so here’s how this is me compromising on my hopes and dreams and ideals, you’re good with that?” Red flag: if you have said this and the other party agreed, you might wanna run for the hills.
That sounds perfectly understandable in theory, but in real life it’s often quite a gray area. Not in the least because most people have absolutely no idea of what they need versus what they want. So here’s a little exercise you can do.
Think of something in your life you wanna commit to. Whether it’s a job, a relationship, a car, a pair of shoes, doesn’t matter. Take out a piece of paper. Split it into the following three sections:
- Things I despise and will, under no circumstances, accept – Now this would usually consist of things like: is into recreational heroin. Beats puppies. Things of that nature. No but in all seriousness, these are the non-negotiables. Examples? Doesn’t want kids. The previous owner of this car was a smoker. You know, that typa stuff.
- Things I need and why I need them – Everybody thinks there’s a whooooole bunch of things they need in a person. But you need to ask yourself why you think you need this. And then ask yourself why again. Example? Sure. You want somebody of the same educational level as you. Why? Because you want to be able to get that mental tingle. Why? Because you want somebody to challenge you intellectually and you can talk to about your day at work. OK then. Then you’ll find that the initial “need” you formulated isn’t necessarily the only way to get what you need.
- Things I want – The cool bonuses. Like a leather interior. A signing bonus. He has a dog. I dunno, make something up. You know what makes you giddy.
OK so I hope the above will help in you in narrowing down the differences between your wants and needs so you can distinguish the moments you compromise from the moments you settle.
Good luck!