Remember that whole discussion we had on what saying “I love you” really means? Well, I had a very interesting followup discussion to it.
Traditionally, we’re expected to believe that the first person to say it is always at a disadvantage, since they’re the first to show their vulnerability and can get hurt and whatever. What if I told you that the person who says it first actually becomes the one with the upperhand?
Allow me to break it down for you. Let’s get this out the way first. Yes, saying “I love you” for the first time and as the first person is scary.The thing we fear most is that now that we’ve said it is that this person thinks they can get away with more bad stuff because “Hey, they love me anyway, right?” And it’s completely understandable that we’d feel that way. So I talked to some people who put that fear behind them and just blurted it out, and here are their responses:
- “I felt incredibly relieved after I said it. They knew what I had on my mind, in my heart, and it’s for them to deal with now.”
- “I just want to be honest about it, so when I feel it, I say it. Not necessarily expecting it back right away, but I just needed to put it out there.”
Here’s the thing though. There’s always a thing, isn’t there? As soon as you put “I love you” out in the universe, it’s no longer something that you have to deal with. What do I mean by that? Well, essentially, this means is that the one who says it first, relays all that pressure onto the person they say it to, and thus causes a power shift. The person it was said to now has to make a decision: say it back (at some point, maybe not immediately) or get out. Either way it gives them the impulse to think about your situation and where it’s going. And the person who said it also has a choice: your cards are on the table, your intentions are clear. If you don’t get out of it what you want, you can get out. And should the whole thing end up on the fritz, it’ll suck for a while, of course. But in the end it’s better knowing than just going along with something that turns out isn’t the real thing.
It all feels kinda ultimatum-y, doesn’t it? I get that. It’s not though. There’s nothing wrong with being clear about what you want and what you expect from people. Otherwise you’re both just wasting your time.