You know that feeling when you meet somebody new and everything just clicks? Conversation’s good, they look good, they have their shit together… but then it happens. They say the One Big Dumb Thing.
The One Big Dumb Thing could be anything. They could ask what team Malcolm X played for. They could reveal themselves to be a Trump supporter. They could think that hitting your partner is OK. But it could also be something they do (or don’t do). Like they don’t ask you what you’d like to eat/drink at the restaurant, but they go ahead and order for you. Or even better: they DO ask what you want but order something else for you anyway (true story).
The truth is we’ve all said or done something embarrassing. However, not all embarrassing moments are created equal. There’s a distinct difference between awkward and the One Big Dumb Thing. You can compare the One Big Dumb Thing is a dealbreaker, but like an XL version of it. Luckily for you, we know how to handle it.
As the victim
If someone you’ve been kickin’ it with does or says the One Big Dumb Thing, there are three ways in which you can respond.
Ignore and hope for the best – If you know deep down this is something you don’t wanna deal with but you choose to overlook it, that’s on you. You can live your life secretly hoping that it was a glitch and at some point it’ll get better. It won’t, but denial isn’t just a river in Egypt now is it? No. It’s a place some of us move to and they never look back.
Accept and know better – You can also truly accept this. This means that you know what it is, accept it as true and put up with it. Process it. And never ever ever bring it up ever again. This is who this person is. I’m sure it evens out with all their good qualities. Or you’re going to end up in a real messy divorce.
GTFO – Take the red flag for what it is and move on to the next. If there’s actual history here – which means they hid The One Big Dumb Thing really well for a long time – take the memories for what they are and go.
As the perpetrator
Look, we all mess up sometimes. I have certainly done and said some things that are super cringy in hindsight. The main thing you can do (if you actually do realize you’re guilty of the One Big Dumb Thing) is apologize and promise to do better. And then keep yourself to that promise. This is not a guarantee that the other party will forgive and forget, but who knows. You might get lucky.
If you get called out on your One Big Dumb Thing and double down, then there’s no hope for you. Find someone with a blind spot who’ll put up with it. Sorry, that’s the best I can do for you in terms of advice.