We’re all told there are certain things you don’t talk about on a first date. Sex, politics, exes, marriage and kids. And granted, on a first date it may be a bit much. But especially for women, we’re actively discouraged from sharing what we really want in life with a guy out of fear of “scaring him off”. But you know what? At some point taking your time turns into wasting your time. And before you know it, you’re 6 months in with somebody who has very different ideas about what life in the upcoming few years should look like than you.
I’m going to tell you two stories. You can draw your own conclusions. Because life is easier if you learn from other peoples’ mistakes instead of trying to make them all by yourself. These stories have been more or less anonimized to protect the not-so-innocent.
Situation one. Two friends of mine started dating. One was a bit closer of a friend than the other, you know how it is. On the surface they seemed to have it all worked out. They were supercute together, acting like a bunch of in-love teenagers well into their relationship. She was always very clear about what she expected from him, he seemed to be all for it. Until he wasn’t anymore. They split up and she (the closer friend) was absolutely devastated. She told him from the beginning what she expected from him, so how could he suddenly up and change his mind? For him, all of this felt like unfair pressure. Even though he knew about these things upfront, it wasn’t his fault he changed his mind. At best, it was his fault for not bringing it up earlier. It was a super-ugly breakup and I’m not gonna lie: some of us put money on whether or not they’d get back together. They didn’t, and they’re both better off for it (and some of us are out 20 bucks). But they both ended up wasting their time.
Cue this other couple I know. Didn’t really know the guy beforehand, but she was always the independent type. Didn’t wanna waste her time. Very much wanted a relationship. Just not a bad one. Alright, so they started dating, it was all well and good. Neither one of them wanted to label it and just wanted to see how it all went. Some of their friends knew, but they didn’t really include each other in their respective lives. Honestly, from the outside in we all thought it wouldn’t go anywhere. It seemed to have plateau’d. A couple of months in, she became harder to get a hold of because she was spending more and more time with this guy. A good number of months after they first met, they resurfaced. Holding hands, with a title. It took a long time for them to get together, yet somehow this wasn’t a waste of time.
In both situations the exact same thing happened and expectations were set from jump. So, me being the person I am, I went and asked them both what happened. Here are their (paraphrased) responses:
Wasted her time: “In hindsight I think a lot of it was wishful thinking. We both sort of wanted the same things, but it always felt out of reach. Like a “someday” plan instead of something we were actively working towards together. Like a perpetual daydream. And at some point, that became a source of conflict. I wanted to move ahead, he was fine where we were. It got really ugly. We still had good times, but the bad times really started to overshadow it all, until if fully eclipsed them. So yeah, nothing you can do but cut your losses then. Learn from it, and take that with you for the next one. The biggest thing was just about being honest. Not just towards the other person, but towards yourself. Are you breaking your values for them, are you the only one sacrificing? The funny thing is, we probably both felt like we were the only one willing to compromise.”
Took her time: “It was a combination of factors. For one, I never told him what I wanted from him. I told him what I wanted for my life. From there we just hung out, got to talking about how we think about different things in life and on what things we agreed. We’re both very opinionated, but are willing to revise those opinions based on new information, which I think is crucial for any adult. So after all those months of “hanging out” we knew exactly what would or wouldn’t work for us. When we resurfaced, as you call it, we had a supersolid foundation for our relationship and never had any doubt about each other. He really is my best friend.”
So what have we learned from this? Sometimes taking your time is necessary so you don’t end up wasting your time. Give people some time to think about and respond to your desires. And do the same for them. It might just lead to a happy surprise.