It can be very difficult to apologize. Especially if you feel you’ve done nothing wrong. Sometimes especially because you know what you did wrong.
The first thing you have to know about apologizing is that it’s not about you. It’s about the person you hurt. Whatever you think should or shouldn’t hurt someone else’s feelings is not relevant, because guess what? Exactly, they’re someone else’s feelings.
Secondly, apologizing does not mean that you have to beg and cry and plead for forgiveness. If someone expects this from you that means they don’t want an apology, they want you to completely submit to them, probably for a sense of control or whatever, and that’s never good. Apologizing is simply acknowledging that what you did or said hurt someone else, and that you’re enough of a human being to care and want to make amends.
So why do people refuse to apologize? From my research, here’s what I got:
- They have a low level of concern for either the victim or the relationship. Basically: they don’t care enough about the victim’s feelings to bother with taking ownership for their actions or apologizing.
- They perceive the transgression as a threat to their self-image. Some people refuse to believe that they’d hurt somebody in the way they just did. Apologizing then feels like admitting that they’re not the person they portray themselves to be.
- They believe apologizing won’t help repair the damage. Maybe what they did or said was so bad that a simple “I’m sorry” won’t fix things. Or so they think, anyway.
So what should you do when apologizing?
- Do apologize sincerely.
- Do show your empathy for the pain the victim has suffered.
- Do express your honest intention to atone for the transgression. Atonement sounds kind of intense, but depending on what the transgression was, it may be necessary. And it’s not up to you to decide what that atonement should be. It’s up the your victim.
Aaaand here’s what you should definitely not do:
- Don’t minimize the impact of the transgression.
- Don’t offer any excuses or defend yourself in any way.
- Don’t even suggest that the victim may have some blame as well. Of course it can happen that both sides are to blame. But if that’s the case, then the other person should apologize as well and that is in no way related to the fact that you, yourself, need to apologize.
This should pretty much give you a basic understanding of what apologies are, how they work, and why they’re necessary. Hope that helps.