Most people have a “type”. There’s your tall, dark and handsome. There’s your moody, brooding and mysterious. Then there’s your gray area. Because where does a “type” go into a stereotype? Where does it stop being a preference and start being an interest fueled by some kind of intrigue about somebody’s cultural or ethnic background?
Where do physical attributes go into stereotypes? And when does a stereotype become fetishization? And why is that even a bad thing? Let’s ask around, shall we? A selection of responses for your reading pleasure:
- “I don’t really mind being called exotic. But then getting questions like ‘Oh but music and dancing isn’t allowed where you’re from, right?’ irritate me to no end. That’s just ignorant. But then again, from men of the same background I’ve gotten ‘Are you still a virgin?’ That turned me off from them as well, so yeah.”
- “I’m absolutely not interested in being anyone’s racial experiment. Luckily, the ones that view you as such very quickly reveal themselves.”
- “Oh you’re from country such-and-such? You must be feisty! And then he wondered why I wasn’t interested. Why do these guys think that that’s a good opening line? Honestly.”
- “Honestly? I just really don’t care.”
- “I don’t care why women want to approach me, even if it’s because of stereotypes they have about guys that look like me. I draw the line when it becomes full-blown nazi, but anything other than that, I run with. Make it awkward.”
Interesting observation: the guys I asked really didn’t care about being stereotyped. The women did to varying degrees.
Here’s why it’s dangerous. Most stereotypes about people of a certain background or ethnicity are rooted in slavery and colonialism. Be it about women from east-Asian countries that are allegedly submissive or the mandingo-stereotype that haunts men of African descent to this day, these ideas are often the result of colonials and human traffickers trying to dehumanize people they didn’t understand. Why do we care today? Well, clearly, these ideas keep existing. They reduce people to made-up characteristics. You’re automatically expecting something from certain people because of the way they look. The first thing you’ll notice is not someone’s caring nature, someone’s witty sense of humor, someone’s cheerful disposition, but what you think being with them is going to be like based on something you read in an outdated Tintin story.
It’s the same type of programmed thinking that keeps teachers from accurately assessing their non-white students’ intelligence, or that gives certain people lower salaries if they even get invited for a job interview at all. And sure, there are some “positive” stereotypes. Those are harmful too, you know. From putting so much pressure on people having to adhere to these “expectations” or being deemed “not enough”. That can really mess somebody up, you know.
But let’s circle back to dating. In essence, it a personal matter, what you consider to be offensive. But even with something that you personally might be cool with, doesn’t make it generally accepted or even generally acceptable.