My mother once told me I’m loyal to people I have no business being loyal to. This was years ago, but it stuck with me. At every turn in my life, when I’m at a crossroads and have to choose where to take my life next, I remember her telling me this and think about if the other party has been as loyal to me as I have been to them. This goes WELL beyond romantic love, by the way. Let me give you some examples.
The first example I have for you is related to work. During university I worked for an agency. Loved it, learned a lot. Money was always a problem, though. When I came into the company we discussed my future possibilities there, and the idea had always been to grow together. When I graduated and more “regular” job offers started coming in, I had to make a decision. Stay loyal to the company and the people I loved working for and with, without knowing when my next paycheck would come, or take a corporate job in which I would be able to make some grownup decisions like moving into an actual apartment. This is where I realized: if this agency would have been as loyal to me as I had been to them, this wouldn’t have been a problem. If they valued me the way they say they did, they’d work harder at not losing me. In hindsight, it was a very one-sided relationship.
I have about a dozen more of these stories, some of which overlap with the situation I talked about months ago when discussing toxic relationships. But where does it all come from?
I honestly believe that in our society, women are conditioned a lot more than men to display this kind of loyal behavior, even if it’s unreciprocated or downright unhealthy. Think about it: why else would there STILL be a wage gap? Why else would women be told to not “push a man into a commitment he’s not ready for” or even be blamed when they get cheated on? Women are taught to be happy with whatever it is they can get, whether that’s fair or not. Of course a lot of men deal with this too, but in all honesty: I don’t have that perspective or experience.
And the real kicker is: we choose this nonsense. Why? Because it hurts less in the short run than the option to walk away. From a job, a friendship, a relationship, a relative. Breaking with any of these things can (and most likely will) be painful. So staying in something that’s not hurtful, but just unpleasant, might seem like the better option. But consider this: aren’t you robbing yourself of something better? Remember when we talked about how severe, but temporary pain could actually feel like relief if you give it a little time? Dysfunction should not be mistaken for loyalty. In case you need somebody to tell you, here it is: it’s OK to walk away. IT’S OKAY TO CHOOSE YOU.