I don’t like to say no to people. To my friends. If someone I care about requests a favor, I will do what I can to make it happen, even if it means inconveniencing myself. And you know what? This is a horrible character trait and I need to stop.
Here’s what happens. If you try so hard to say yes to any request thrown at you, people become accustomed to it and they will start to take you for granted, sometimes in spite of themselves. Cuz I honestly don’t think people go around intentionally hurting those they (claim to) love. You know how I tend to say that you teach people how to treat you? This is a perfect example of that.
How? Well, some of these people have been fairly consistent in certain types of shitty behavior, and I didn’t call them out on it because I could live with it/deal with it. I didn’t think it was big enough of a deal to make a “thing” out of it. And while I don’t believe that you should make a big deal out of everything, as I’m a firm believer in choosing your battles, ignoring it can come back and bite you in the ass. Just because you put up with someone’s bullshit doesn’t mean they’ll extend the same courtesy.
Here’s the stupid thing. I learned how to say no at work. A couple of years ago, back in my freelance days, I said yes to everything while my personal life was falling apart. Over-committing to a bunch of things caused me to not only miss deadlines and deliver sub-par work, and eventually led to me burning out and going through an altogether pretty dark period. In other words: I should be able to translate this to my personal life and relationships, I should know better. But here I am.
Anyway all of this has kinda put me at a crossroads with some people. Where do you draw the line between being that ride or die and diminishing who you are to “leave room” for someone else? If you want to call someone out, what can you say? What should you say? How should you say it? Should it even be this difficult? How do you strike the balance between honesty, appreciation and self-preservation? And when do you reach the point where you cut someone off?
I know I always keep saying that as soon as the bad structurally outweighs the good it’s time to walk, but you know what? It’s not always so black and white.
*EDIT* Since writing this, I’ve become more aware of the dynamics of a few relationships in my life and am starting to stand my ground a little bit more.