We’re gonna discuss some red flags. And I don’t mean “do they really like me?”-flags. I mean the “will they be abusive to me?”-flags.
Phase 1: Just Talking
Since talking is a legitimate dating phase now, there are a couple of things that count as red flags. The main one that concerns me seems harmless at the surface.
Imagine you’re texting somebody. They ask you to meet. For WHATEVER reason, you say you don’t want to. They’ll probably ask you why not. You may or may not elaborate, totally up to you. And then: they start pushing. They try to persuade you. Try to make you feel like you’d be missing out if you didn’t meet. To some this may seem cute. “Aww they’re really trying.” No. This means that they really don’t give a shit about what you think, they just want what they want. These are the people that later on will just take what they want when the opportunity arises, probably not even realizing how foul they’re being.
Phase 2: Dating
“But babe, I really wanted to hangout with you tonight. Can’t you cancel on them?” Once or twice, it can happen. “Your friends are really no good for you, you really should reconsider how much time you’re spending with them.” Hmm. “If your parents are going to treat you this way, you really shouldn’t talk to them at all.” Whatnow?
Stuff like this, them trying to isolate you from everybody else? No bueno. This is setting you up for codependency, or worse.
Another one to be on the lookout for is them not respecting your privacy. You absolutely don’t have to share your social media password or let them go through your phone messages to prove to them that you’re trustworthy. Not wanting to show them doesn’t mean you have something to hide, it means you value your privacy. If they don’t trust you, they shouldn’t be with you. Or with anybody, for that matter.
Phase 3: Relationship
Arguments are normal. You’re not going to be able to get along with everybody all the time. That’s normal. What’s not normal is calling each other out your names. Things should never ever EVER get physical. If you threaten to destroy or actually destroy their belongings because you’re mad at them, you’re an abuser. If they slam doors and windows, break plates, punch walls and tear stuff up, pay attention because this is essentially them letting you know badly they want to hit you. Any type of behavior that is aimed at threatening or intimidating you, is already abusive.
I’m not gonna lie, when researching different aspects and the buds of abusive behavior, I actually had to confront myself about some harmful stuff I do. I’ve been known to slam a door or two. Luckily, being aware of something is the first step to changing it.
Oh, and let me be very clear about this one: YES, WOMEN CAN BE ABUSIVE TOO! Even physically.
