We’ve repeatedly discussed the fundamental importance of having the three tingles (or connections, if you want to sound more like a grownup) when you start out dating someone. You’re gonna wanna find somebody who you’re compatible with spiritually, intellectually and physically, right? Right.
But we’re millennials and this is not the Notebook. Three tingles does not a romantic love make.
From my extensive research (i.e. banter with my band of troublemakers) there were some identifiable “Oh crap, I really can’t just be friends with this person” moments, and at other times it kinda snuck up on them. A sample of the responses:
- “Whenever a guy makes me really nervous, I know I’m in love.”
- “If whenever you see their name flash across your phone screen you get a goofy grin on your face. You miss them when they’re not around. You get (positive) shivers down your spine when they touch you.” (This person is clearly in deep)
- “The moment all the stuff that usually annoys you when anybody else does it, suddenly seems endearing and cute. Sometimes even sexy.”
- “You can spend hours with them and it’ll feel like 30 minutes.”
- “Once you start overanalyzing every little detail, every text, every smile, every touch.”
Well OK then. Recognize any of these points? Ha! So if you’re already dating the person that makes you feel all these feels, good on you! Now you can start your staring contest and whoever blinks first has to admit to their feelings, yaaay! Not dating this person (yet)? Hoooo boy you’re in trouble.
So as I do, I searched the deep dark ends of the internet to see if there’s anything scientific to back up claims of being in love. Because why wouldn’t I? And the internet wouldn’t be the internet if it didn’t provide me with exactly what I was looking for. I picked and chose a few that I thought would be interesting to you guys.
Empathy
So for those of you that don’t know, empathy is a step beyond sympathy. It’s not just understanding what someone is going through (or at the very least respecting it), but actually feeling what someone is feeling. You’re internalizing their emotions. Is that what you’re doing? Hmm…
“(S)he’s special”
Literally uttering these words. We all know that once you’re in love with someone you tend to view them through rose-colored glasses and emphasize their good characteristics and downplaying or even ignoring the bad things.
Changing stuff
This one’s important. Sometimes when people fall in love, they adjust some of their mannerisms, way they dress, do their makeup, sometimes even their values to be more in line with what they think the object of their affection wants. It’s normal. Kinda. To an extent. However, research presented way back when in 2013 underlined the age-old phrase that opposites attract. What Fisher (the one who presented the research) meant was “brain-chemical” opposites? What are thooooose you ask? Well, here’s an example: “people with so-called testosterone-dominant personalities (highly analytical, competitive and emotionally contained) were often drawn to mates with personalities linked to high oestrogen and oxytocin levels — these individuals tended to be “empathetic, nurturing, trusting and prosocial, and introspective, seeking meaning and identity.” So yeah, don’t up and change who you are, please.
Anyway that’s all I wanted to share before this blogpost becomes way too long. I wish I could tell you on what you should do once you’ve reached the point of no return, but hey, I’m no expert. It’s really your call. The only advice I can give you is before you start any such conversation, be very clear and honest with yourself about what you want to achieve with that talk and if it’s realistic. But that’s a discussion for another time.