I really think the narrative that nobody can love you until you love yourself is harmful. Here’s why.
Having trouble loving yourself or seeing value in yourself is usually rooted in deep, deep self-esteem issues. Like, DEEP. And to have somebody tell you that it’s exactly that what makes you unlovable or incapable of love seems kinda… I dunno… counterproductive? Apart from that, people are perfectly capable of loving you. It just doesn’t always mean what you want it to mean.
First things first. What defines love? To some, it’s never saying no. To others, it means unconditional support. To yet others (like me), it means wanting the best for somebody, even if that’s not the best option for you personally. But at the same time (by my definition) it should never diminish you. So that means that even though you love somebody, you get to walk away from them if that’s what you need to do to preserve your own person.
And that’s where people get that from: the idea that you can only ever be truly loved if you love yourself. Because if somebody truly loves you, they would never want to distance themselves from you, right? Wrong. Reasons may vary. Maybe they’re way too busy with their own thing to concern themselves with your problems. Maybe they just don’t know how to help. Maybe you’re draining their energy to a point where they’re exhausted from being around you. Maybe you made a decision that goes against their core values that they so deeply identify with, they sense it’s a personal rejection.
Does the reason why you walked away matter to the person that’s being walked away from though? Probably not. Bottom line is still that you left. Leaving them with most likely an aggravated sense of not being worthy of love, thereby either completing the cycle of insecurity or even making it worse.
Let’s look at it from the other side. So they love you, but you don’t feel it. What’s the deal with that? Well, people love in different ways. Just because somebody loves you doesn’t mean they know how to love you in the way you need to be loved. Still with me? If you define love as unconditional support, and the other party sees it as being able to give you the unfiltered truth that they feel is in your best interest, there’s a good chance y’all are gonna clash at some point and at least one of you is going to feel like the other doesn’t love them.
So I guess at the end of the day it depends on how you define love and how you need to be loved, which can very much be independent of whether or not you love yourself. Therefore, whether or not you love yourself has nothing to do with people’s ability to love you.
