Love’s a beautiful thing. Until it’s not anymore. Like when it transforms into codependency. Some of you will ask: “What does that mean and how will I recognize it?” Others will ask: “What’s the difference?” That’s very cynical of you. For the first group: read on.
The first thing you need to know is that codependency isn’t restricted to romantic relationships. The term was originally coined to describe spouses of alcoholics, but has since been used as a more inclusive term for all sorts of codependent relationships.
Symptoms
There’s a handful of symptoms which indicate codependency. You don’t need to have all of them to be codependent. Take a deep breath, here we go:
- Shame / Low self-esteem: the real eyeopener here is that shame and low self-esteem are often related to perfectionism. And that, in turn, is often rooted in a fear of being unlovable or inadequate.
- People pleasing: the well-known problem of not being able to say ‘No’ to someone.
- Poor boundaries: this needs to be taken in the broadest sense of the word. Boundaries means limits in terms of your body, money and belongings, but also your needs, feelings and thoughts. If someone tries to blame you for how they feel or if you readily accept blame for someone else’s feelings, you’re already there.
- Reactivity: this one’s a little tricky. It basically means you respond to everything. You either get defensive or internalize what was said to you.
- Caretaking: this is the one. This is the one you may recognize. Caretaking is great. But for some this at some point means that you’re so concerned with caring for someone else, you give up yourself in the process. And if the person you’re trying to help doesn’t want or need your help, you feel hurt and rejected.
- Control: everybody needs to be in some level of control of their lives. In codependency this can show itself through boundaries being crossed, manipulation, and addictions.
- Dysfunctional communication: you’re unable to communicate your boundaries, your thoughts, your feelings.
- Obsessions: this has a lot to do with over analyzing and anxieties about not being “enough”.
- Dependency: basically, the inability to be alone. You might function, but you need other people to feel OK about yourself.
- Denial: you refuse to face your problem(s). You refuse to ask for help. The usual kind of denial.
- Problems with intimacy: not that kind of intimacy, you onetrackminded perv. OK sometimes that kind of intimacy. This however has to do mostly with someone’s inability to open up to someone. This could be for fear of rejection and/or abandonment, or even fear of losing your autonomy by being close to someone else.
- Painful emotions: all of this can lead to stress (obviously) and feed into feelings of anxiety, anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. And all of that can lead to numbness.
I’m pretty sure you can come up with some examples in your circles where you can recognize one or more of these symptoms. From the outside you can see how dysfunctional some relationships are, but it’s not always as easy to notice when you’re in one.
A little bit of codependency isn’t necessarily bad, mind you. Although I think I’d sooner call that empathy or consideration. Just stay diligent and loyal to yourself, first and foremost. Make sure you don’t lose yourself in the process of loving someone else. Love isn’t about finding somebody who “makes you a complete person” or any of that other Hugh Grant-movie crap. It’s about finding someone who enriches your life, who adds value so to speak, even though you’re perfectly happy with your life as is.
Here’s the thing. Everybody likes to feel needed at some level. But if it gets to the point where your SO can’t seem to function without you or the other way around, there might be a bigger problem at play. Personally, I prefer appreciation over adoration. I’m a practical person. I’d rather know that this person chose me like I chose them, rather than being THAT big of a deal in someone’s life. Why? Because you want to be someone’s choice, not somebody’s default option.