So let’s talk a little bit about jealousy, shall we?
First, let’s define what jealousy is. It can range from feelings of feat of abandonment to humiliation to rage. It’s often triggered when someone feels a close relationship is threatened by a third party. Contrary to popular belief, it is not a symptom of love. Jealousy’s not necessarily just about romantic relationships… but we’re gonna focus on those anyway to keep this readable.
In my mind, it’s always been this way: jealousy can come out of one two things. Either the person experiencing jealousy is extremely insecure (often because of past experiences and/or unhealthy relationships) OR they have very good reason to be jealous (you can’t be trusted).
Let me make a distinction between jealousy and envy here: envy is what happens between two people, which you can summarize as “I want what you have”. Not all languages have two separate words for it, so I felt the need to quickly mention this.
The Good
Is all jealousy bad? Not necessarily. Here’s the thing. It’s a very natural feeling. If you don’t let it grow to extremes, it might actually help you in your relationship(s). According to some psychologists, it’s a way to fight off mate-poaching by displaying mate-retention behaviors. What are those, you ask? For example putting your arm around your SO, or introducing yourself as “, this person’s girlfriend/boyfriend/partner-in-crime.” Apparently, people show this type of behavior when they notice their SO’s eyes might be wandering (even without intention to act on it). After showing this type of behavior, said mate is usually more attracted to their SO. Or so they say. It makes sense I suppose. Everybody wants to feel like their SO would be scared to lose them from time to time.
The Bad
So when does it turn into bad jealousy? When it’s a consistent thing. And how does this manifest itself? The jealous one will start to become completely dependent on their SO for happiness. Possessive behavior. Maybe they’ll start to ask for social media passwords. These are all red flags and I’m gonna be honest with you: I’ve seen this happen to friends of mine and told them to GET. OUT. I’m usually not one to tell people what to do in their relationship (I’ll try to point out some things I’ve noticed and let them make their own decision — in the end, I want them to be happy), but in cases like these I’m worried it’ll turn Ugly.
The Ugly
Then there are the times that jealousy turns ugly. This is where abuse begins. Where jealousy is used as a justification to make you cut off all forms of communication with friends, family, coworkers. This is where the breaking of your SO’s stuff happens. Where emotional manipulation starts. Controlling and policing starts. This can lead to abuse. All forms. And honestly, nobody wants that.
So in conclusion, is jealousy bad? Not all of it. But it’s a gray area, especially when you’re in the middle of it all, to see when it’s turning bad. Keep your eyes and ears open and be aware of red flags. Protect yourself, boo.