How soon is too soon?

I promised you guys I’d do the research for you on how soon is too soon to hop into bed with someone. Generally speaking, there’s two schools of thought on the subject.

  • Old school: as most of us girls were told growing up: if you give it up too soon, you won’t be taken seriously and you’ll be dismissed as a potential romantic partner.
  • New school: if a dude loses interest after hitting, it was never about a relationship.

Out of these two schools, strategies such as the 90-day rule have emerged. You know the one. The one that tells women that they shouldn’t give it up to the guy for the first 90 days of dating. Personally I feel this is kinda outdated, because this treats sex as a reward mechanism for men, completely ignoring the fact that *newsflash* women want it too (for the sake of the length of this post, I’m limiting this to heterosexual relationships. That, and that’s where my frame of reference lies *shrugs*).

I asked my go-to guy panel what their thoughts were on this, and they (thankfully!) were mostly New School about it. A random selection of responses:

  • “I hate to say it, but for a lot of guys it really is about the chase. You gotta make us work for it.”
  • “You can make a man wait for days, weeks, months. If all he ever wanted was the cookie, he’ll still leave after he gets it.”
  • “There’s no such thing as too soon if you’re actually in a relationship. When it happens, it happens. Outside of a relationship though, you have to be careful.”

So what’s my take on it? I don’t think anyone’s value depends on what they did with whom. Why they did what they did, however, can really tell you something about someone. Mostly about whether or not they have a healthy relationship with sex or not.

That being said, I’m not gonna lie. That all sounds great in theory, but in reality I’ve dismissed guys because they were a bit too casual with it for my taste and I had no interest in feeling like I’m on their hitlist. So pretty much the whole thing I just told you on how it’s stupid to not take someone seriously because of that? Yeah so I’m guilty of that. Whatever man, I never claimed to be perfect. Anyway…

As with most things, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. It all probably depends on how much value you place on engaging in any kind of physical relationship with someone. If you’re working with a particular frame of reference, it can be tricky to work it out with someone with a different frame of reference who feels (and acts) very differently. For some, it’s a matter of “if you’re attracted to each other and it seems like fun, why not?” which is a valid reason. For some, they first want to develop some kind of emotional/spiritual connection with someone, which is also valid. The most important thing is to not do anything until you’re ready to. Physically, mentally, emotionally.