I didn’t want to write about this initially. Why? Because the time has finally come for women to feel encouraged and share their stories and experiences dealing with sexual offence, intimidation, violence. And I don’t wanna take up any of that space with whatever I have to say on the subject. But a lot of men in my vicinity were shocked by the sheer number of women tweeting and otherwise spreading #MeToo all over social media. Since women know all about this sad reality, I’m aiming this particular blogpost at my male readers. Is this going to make you uncomfortable? Probably. But you know what? Deal with it.
Let’s go back in time a little bit. A while ago, way before #MeToo happened, we saw #YesAllWomen. A lot of men got offended and made it about them. “But not all men are like this!” That’s great sweetie, but this isn’t about you. All women deal with some form of sexualization, sexual assault or worse at some point in their lives. ALL. I first came to this realization when some creepy old dude was lurking around the place I worked a summer job near closing time and proceeded to ask me to come to his house as soon as all my coworkers were out of sight. I was 14.
Now, here’s why some people have issues with #MeToo. For one, it’s unclear to them as to what exactly falls under sexual harassment, and even assault. Here’s the rule of thumb to remember. What exactly did she (or he, because let’s be real here: men experience it too) give you permission to do? If the response to whatever it is you’re doing isn’t “yes please”, you need to stop that shit. This includes pressing past boundaries that were set when consent was given. An example? She gave you her number. She did not ask for pics of your junk. Or at the other end of the spectrum: yay you are having sex! That does not mean you can film what goes on or slip off your rubber halfway through.
Some men have responded to this with “Well then how the hell am I supposed to talk to women?” My guy, if you can’t talk to a woman without keeping your hands to yourself and your dick in your pants, YOU, sir, are the problem.
So fellas, if you truly are one of the good guys, here’s what we’re gonna need you to do:
- STOP discrediting women. A woman tells you she was assaulted, groped, followed, whatever, you listen to her. You don’t ask her “Well, what were you wearing? Were you drinking? Why can’t you just hear the guy out?”
- You know what, while we’re at it. If one of your guy friends has a similar story, DO NOT make fun of him of make light of the situation, OK? This stuff happening to men does not make it OK.
- Think you’re only in the wrong if you’re physically assaulting someone? Guess again. It starts as “small” as a woman tells you “no thank you” when you ask her out, and some of you seem to think she owes you an explanation or a reason or anything other than “no”. She does not. She’s not interested. Keep it moving.
- You hear or see your buddy engage in some questionable behavior? Speak. The. Fuck. Up. “Not cool, buddy.” It’s that easy. Call it out. Be a good person.
And finally, one more time for the people in the back: sex without consent is not sex. It’s rape. Thank you for your time and goodnight.